“The you that you know (your identity) is hardly worth knowing—because you made it up”. When I encountered this idea in my Hogan training for the first time, I was blown away. I thought I knew who I was, but now doubt had crept in – and that is where my own Hogan story began.
When I started wondering about my own identity, I was in an unknown and highly unsettling state. If I didn’t know myself, what did I really know?
Hogan reinforced some parts of me that I felt I knew well. For example, my high Aesthetics and Inquisitive make me curious and look at things as a whole. I like to connect the dots where some might not even see any. I am a big picture person first, details come much later. Reassured, I wanted to go deeper, and unearth things I didn’t know too well. But, “unearth” would mean going deeper inside, when in fact, I needed to look outside.
When I am faced with challenges, I stay calm. “This too shall pass” is my counter-intuitive war cry. It has been a key strength of my leadership style, but Hogan helped me see the other side to this. With my high Adjustment and Inquisitive, I think of myself as curious, calm and composed. Surely that’s a strength at all times, right?
But then, Hogan extended my understanding of my strengths into where they are overdone, and in fact start limiting me. Being calm isn’t useful when you need to create a sense of urgency and get people to act. I finally know why I never made it as a Fire Warden. I simply was not the “go-to person” to rush people out of a building on fire!
Going further into how I come across, my Moving Against cluster told me about a key blind spot. When things turn particularly hard, I can turn the opposite of my calm self. I tend to be combative under stress – sometimes, with theatrics! Knowing this, I have learnt to know what triggers me, and to manage my emotions with the people I am around. But now, the ‘analytical’ me demanded closure – who am I really ?
When I saw my Hogan report for the first time, it was not like looking into a mirror. It was more like looking at my passport picture. And I don’t like my passport picture! So, I refuse to accept that it’s me – I don’t look like that, I tell myself! But you have probably seen me exactly like I am in that picture – the smiles and frowns included.
As I evolve as a coach and educator, I find myself shifting –
- From “What do I want to say?” to “What do they need to hear?”
- From “How does this sound to me?” to “How will I come across to them?”
- From “I will be myself” to “I will be who I need to be”
Who I really am is maybe somewhere at the intersection of “Who I think I am” and “Who you think I am”. And both of these seem to be constantly changing too. I have come to appreciate that I am both constant and changing. I am both being who I am and becoming who I am, all at once.
Like a good book, Hogan has helped me reinforce what I already know, see blind spots I was unaware of, and find ways to connect the dots between my identity and personality.
“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance”, said Confucius. I have realized that I have so much left to learn about myself. And that’s a path I want to stay on. My journey towards self-awareness has made me a better observer of how I show up. Meditation, coaching, writing and Hogan have all helped me raise my awareness. Hogan stood out in particular – in helping me get better at my work.
David Whyte, one of my favourite authors, defines work as “where the self meets the world”. Hogan has helped me understand how to truly meet the world, both as I see myself, and as how others see me. And for that, I am ever grateful.
